When something feels too good to be true – it usually is.
He fitted the younger than my partner rule, though not by much, though everyone thought he was 20 years older – I found that funny.
I could feel his youth especially when he started trying to bully me. But the exquisitely made, perfectly aimed and executed darts and hooks (compliments) could never have been fashioned by a wyt man of that age.
By the time he wrote and shared one of the most beautiful pieces of writing about a dark skinned woman that I have ever heard (as I always say; I assume it’s about me) he’d already scuppered most of the gang plank he’d flown across the first meetings.
He is charming and clever with words, so am I. So the lack of content behind those words was not ameliorated by his earthy, sexuality, mainly due to his total lack of empathy, sensitivity for others and driving need for recognition. Damaged people damage as the saying goes.
Wyt people have built in misogyny, they lack reverence and respect for the divine feminine. Many men of colour fear and hate it and with that they recognise it. Many wyt women debase and try to make profit from it with their snide, unacknowledged competition and sabotage tainted friendships.
But at that moment in the woods at night, with my feet in a stream flowing in a natural cascade to the river below, the tree across whose roots the stream flowed; the rocks, stones, earth made the same electric surge across my upper belly below my solar plexus and above the second chakra. Hearing and at the same time, feeling and sensing a connection and allowing it space to expand.
Knowing you (I) can (could), do, carry, take this and go somewhere further, better with it. I understood if I hadn’t recognised and gone for that feeling with the trampy sailor artist I would have dismissed it again here in this moment, in this water, connecting with this earth – the Goddess. And I knew that this time I wasn’t going to be let down, used, disappointed, disrespected. Much better to invest time, love and energy in nature than (wyt) men.
You know when you keep asking yourself (as I had done since the second disatrous day with another four looming that I couldn’t get away from; “Why did I do that?”
“He said all the right things”
“Well you know that’s a bad sign” said my single remaining BFF had said.
Don’t you hate it when they’re right.
In that perfect moment weeks later the feeling I had embraced with him, denied so many times before – with much better prospects. There was the Swiss scientist beside the fire who I ran away from the feeling was so intense, the Italian at the Red night club and the body building Russian at the S club.
They all haunt me with regret and I had made the decision after the Swiss that I would jump in with both feet next time I had that feeling. I was going to indulge and explore it, see what it was about. Even though I did indulge and explore I questioned it and him from the outset, there was something about it/him that kept me questioning, doubting, despite his perfectly played manipulation. I behaved as I do open sharing and generosity.
I have a very good life. I kept asking the guides. They said only ‘You’ll see.’ And I did.
I had promised to support MV. He was for them, not for me. Which would have been fine if he was less of a desperate user or a little nicer or more honest or less vindictive.
However, making bad choices in people allows one to get a clearer view of all the people around at the same time, ones chosen companions. He was definitely for them and alas also of them.
I made the decision a long time ago it is better for ones karma to be used rather than a user. I have had so much given to me for such a long time, I balanced the book in one fell swoop in those six days with him and MV.
So I have chosen to be and I truly am, deeply grateful for the experience. It showed me that it is important to have even greater belief in myself. It showed me that wishing for something but second guessing and doubting oneself is the surest way to make sure that it doesn’t go as well as it could.
Apart from a few ragey wobblies,
I have only one regret about my behaviour and ultimately it wasn’t something I did.